Life turns around on a dime.

My brother is free from his cancer and I am free from depression. The medicine helped me escape my own personal hell and I am happier than I've been in years! I have fallen in love with a man who amazes me!

I don't know how I fell in love. A few months ago I was sure I'd never fall in love again. I was quite certain nobody would ever love me and that I would die lonely. Then, a man landed on my doorstep because he missed me from before. He had treated me wrongly and he came to make amends.

We began to date and I gave him a chance. The only reason I gave him a chance was because I had such a long history of dating guys and dumping them immediately for no good reason. I guess I was scared of getting close, and scared of letting anybody know the real me. I didn't want them to know the real me, because if they never knew the real me then they could never reject me.

I lost all sense of this danger of letting him know the real me because I didn't care. I have been through so much that I finally realized that anyone I know must know who I am, what I'm like, and STILL accept me for it. For the first few weeks our interactions were stifled. We enjoyed activities together, but we were still feeling each other out. Then came some fights where I showed him how I want to be respected and treated. At any other moment I would have dumped this guy, but I had promised myself I would date him for a specific amount of time before dumping him. I was counting the days before I could break up with him.

Out of nowhere, things seemed to turn around. He became less stoic and less reserved. He began to listen to me when I told him I liked to be held. He started believing me when I told him I thought he was incredibly handsome. I don't even know how all of this happened. We took some trips together. I think things began to cement into place on our last trip. We talked a lot and we ran together, played together, and took our own space. He admired me and I admired him. He pissed me off, and I overcame it.

This past week we had another amazing trip. I began to know I loved him. I wasn't sure how he felt though, and when I told him I had to tell him something, he told me I didn't have to tell him a thing. So, I was scared to say anything.

Today out of the clear blue sky he told me he is in love with me. He has told me I'm so perfect for him it scares him. He has told me that life with me will seem like three lifetimes, because it already feels like we've been together so long. I can tell he is genuine when he says these things, and he says them as if he is himself amazed that this is possible. The moment he told me he is in love with me, I lost my breath. My body became electrified, my mouth could not stop smiling, I couldn't catch my breath, and I wanted to scream and shout and laugh and run! But I was at work so there was nothing I could do. I just smiled and smiled and smiled.

There is so much about him that I love. I love how he is so different from everybody else. He reads books with me. We lay on the floor for various lengths of time, listening to the radio, reading books together, playing with his dog, talking. He isn't afraid to say what he thinks, and he reveals his true self to me. It makes me happy that he trusts me with his innermost thoughts and feelings. I love him so much. I love him love him love him.

Fuck the world.

So I just found out my brother has cancer. My brother, who has never done anything wrong in his life, has cancer. My brother is a great friend. My brother is always there for people when they need him. My brother would help ANYONE. My brother is one of the best guys in the world. He has never experienced true love. He has cancer. I should be the one with cancer. I smoked pot for years and drank like a fish. I hurt people and there were times when I was not a good friend. He doesn't deserve this. I fucking hate cancer.

Depression

I think I finally know what it means to be depressed. I feel guilty because I used to judge people who claimed to be depressed. I judged them for being down all the time and thought they should just snap out of it. Now I know what they're going through.

I never understood what people meant by "going through the motions," "watching your life from the outside," and "feeling detached." Now I understand.

I can't do the simplest things without feeling like it is a huge effort. My laundry has been all over my floor for weeks. It took me a week to do my dishes, and now that they're clean and in the dishwasher, I can't fathom taking them out and putting the new dirty ones in. Every time I'm somewhere, I just want to be laying on the floor. I sit disconnected from reality, and I feel like I don't understand what life is. I don't see the worth in anything anymore. Anything anyone says makes me angry. Happiness makes me angry. I feel like I'm watching myself go through the motions of living and not really even remembering what is going on. I don't remember what I've been doing these past few weeks. I gave up alcohol over four months ago, and I feel like that was my medication.

I am no longer self medicating. My therapist, who is all about holistic healing through power over the mind and changing ways of thinking, suggested that I get on medication for a little while because my brain chemistry is fucked up. Well, that's not quoting him exactly.

I don't feel like doing anything anymore. When I'm at home I want to be somewhere else. When I'm somewhere else I want to be somewhere different. Life has lost it's beauty. Sure, there are fleeting moments of happiness, but I think it's superficial. I think I've trained myself to laugh and be joyous around other people. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears several times a day, but I don't even know why. Everything makes me sad. I don't feel any strong emotions besides anger, hatred, and confusion. I watch myself as if through blurred lenses, as if time is ticking away in a worthless existence. I can't cry when I want to. I can't feel happy when I try to. Even when I try to convince myself to be happy, it seems like too much of an effort. I worry about everything and I have anxiety for no reason.

This is what it feels like to be depressed. I'm hopeful though, because I am getting medicine on Wednesday. I just want to be myself again, but I'm not sure who that is anymore.