Depression

I think I finally know what it means to be depressed. I feel guilty because I used to judge people who claimed to be depressed. I judged them for being down all the time and thought they should just snap out of it. Now I know what they're going through.

I never understood what people meant by "going through the motions," "watching your life from the outside," and "feeling detached." Now I understand.

I can't do the simplest things without feeling like it is a huge effort. My laundry has been all over my floor for weeks. It took me a week to do my dishes, and now that they're clean and in the dishwasher, I can't fathom taking them out and putting the new dirty ones in. Every time I'm somewhere, I just want to be laying on the floor. I sit disconnected from reality, and I feel like I don't understand what life is. I don't see the worth in anything anymore. Anything anyone says makes me angry. Happiness makes me angry. I feel like I'm watching myself go through the motions of living and not really even remembering what is going on. I don't remember what I've been doing these past few weeks. I gave up alcohol over four months ago, and I feel like that was my medication.

I am no longer self medicating. My therapist, who is all about holistic healing through power over the mind and changing ways of thinking, suggested that I get on medication for a little while because my brain chemistry is fucked up. Well, that's not quoting him exactly.

I don't feel like doing anything anymore. When I'm at home I want to be somewhere else. When I'm somewhere else I want to be somewhere different. Life has lost it's beauty. Sure, there are fleeting moments of happiness, but I think it's superficial. I think I've trained myself to laugh and be joyous around other people. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears several times a day, but I don't even know why. Everything makes me sad. I don't feel any strong emotions besides anger, hatred, and confusion. I watch myself as if through blurred lenses, as if time is ticking away in a worthless existence. I can't cry when I want to. I can't feel happy when I try to. Even when I try to convince myself to be happy, it seems like too much of an effort. I worry about everything and I have anxiety for no reason.

This is what it feels like to be depressed. I'm hopeful though, because I am getting medicine on Wednesday. I just want to be myself again, but I'm not sure who that is anymore.